She's got a pretty smile

where the hell have i been?

2007-01-29T04:28:55Z

It's been a long time. Probaly the longest I've gone in the past however many years I've even had this thing. I even forgot i had it. Wow! October 17 was my last entry...and here I am on Jan 28th...with more changes then ever.

My life is completely different then the lame life i used to constantly bitch about. Maybe thats why I haven't been writing in here is cause i just simply don't have to bitch about. That and myspace has taken over the world. Ha!

Here i am....I'm finally 21 years old, on my own. I moved into my own apartment, no one else there just me. I was terrified that I couldn't do it, and you know what...I've done it. I no longer constantly hold onto my past like I used to, I've completely moved on in life, I've received my closure and closed doors on many things. I'm proud of who I am now, and it took forever to just let go of all the past mistakes to get me to be where i am right now. I've always wanted to be successful in life, and after reading some of my old entries, my pathetic outcries, and blaming my problems, my past and everyone around me for whats wrong...I'm going to say I'm definitely on the right track.

I've grown up. And I keep telling myself to not let myself down and I wont, cause I've put my guard up hard and heavy. I enjoy my life, and when shit goes wrong...i don't let it keep me from smiling. I know that my mistakes have molded me, and people from my past that have hurt me...have all built me to be proud of who i am right now.

Now i know this entry must sound entirely lame...but i dont care. Cause i realized that I'm no longer that bitchy girl i was. I'm pretty freakin happy with life...its not about boy, or cause of my friends, or my job, I'm happy for myself. And its about damn time I get there!

I wont base my life on thinking about where i want to be, or what could be...i will live it thinking of what i am...and how i am...and just be satisfied. My faith has grown immensely, my smiles finally have meaning behind them, and i no longer look for sad songs to define how i really feel. I am no longer my own worst enemy.

I like me.

And even tho I'm not that bitchy girl i used to....I'll still be bitchy to you if necessary. And if you dont like me...then shove it up your ass, cause I'm totally great in life.

For once, I'm depending only on myself for happiness. And that feels awesome.

lameness times 6

2006-10-17T09:13:36Z

So i liked a guy. And it lasted all of like maybe a week. It was very lame too. Liked him, he gave me some good signals, then we kissed and made out for fucking ever. then made out some more, but it was before i went to my new orleans gig...so i go and i'm too lame to call or anything cause i didnt know what it meant.

So four days of this gay crap of me going back and forth over liking him and the kiss and all that...for me to come back home and hang out and find out it was just a kiss and he likes one of my best friends.

can you say...LAAAAAAAAAAAAAME!

Seriously, i was doing fine, but with coffey being the last guy i liked and him going for lauren instead, and before that i ran from every damn guy...its just like...why do i even bother? I felt stupid for even bothering with liking him, but it happens. Why do i keep going for guys that its just definitely not going to work with?! Especially when i haven't even really been going for guys to begin with. I know I don't need to worry cause I'm about to move out on my own, i have this huge promotion and I'm doing some traveling training gigs, making my dent in the world, but it would be nice to have someone to miss me, and someone to miss. ya know?!

I need to just focus on everything improving in my life and all these promotion steps i'm taking. So why do i end up liking a guy when its a compeltely unneccesary time? Or when its a guy that absolutely nothing will happen with cause they keep going for my friends?

Haha, collin said to hang out with ugly people so i dont have to worry. thanks collin.

Man whats up with me?! My confidence with guys used to be so high, and now i'm oooooober lame. WHY?!?!

so that was my venting of how lame i am.

lame times 6!

goodbyes and dreams

2006-10-05T21:37:29Z

I'm almost out of here. Although it got delayed, its only one more week. Thank goodness!

Last night i had a dream that i said goodbye to someone thats been gone since March 3. It was an amazing dream, I feel like he spoked to me and was telling me to finally let go. I said everything that was neccessary to say. When i woke up from my dream, i felt good.

I know its better this way. I think of him everyday, but its still better this way.

I think its safe to say, everything is better in life. Although I've been bored, i realized that reason I am so bored is cause for the first time i can even begin to remember, something isn't going wrong. My life has been series of downward spirals, and here i am just kinda staying in one wave and i don't know what to do cause I'm NOT stressing. But its good.

So um....

thats why i haven't written in here in awhile.

Everything is just kinda chilled.

whats goin on?

2006-09-06T07:35:30Z

So everything has dulled down a bit, since everyone has gone back to school and all. I already miss everyone cause the hang out level is definitely low buttttt we'll see how things get.

Justin is back in town, so big hooray for him. I'm worried about him though cause he is still really down about the whole navy thing not working out, and the more i think about it, the more i realize that he is depressed because hes pretty much just drinking the whole time. He can't seem to find fun without alcohol and it drives me crazy!!! I find it really sad that you can't find the roots to life without wishing you had some beer in your hand, ya know? So i've been trying to kick him out of the habit, or getting him to see the light side of things without alcohol, but i already know its going to take a lot of work. You would think that someone only 20 couldn't already be an alcoholic, but no. It really worries me cause all he talks about is how much he wants alcohol, or a time he was drinking, or how he could be better with some beer, and so on. its like every conversation with him is the exact same, and im trying, but i just keep getting disappointed. We've maintained a relationship for so long through thick and thin and every distance, and now that hes finally here and i'm trying to help him with this, i realize wow....we really have nothing in common and nothing to talk about. Its rather depressing actually. Really thats what I'm afraid will happen to our group. We all will get to be together on thanksgiving break, which super excites me! Everyone wil be here for my bday, and me and neal were even thinking about throwing our own thanksgiving. It would be awesome if we could do that!!!!

So job wise. I'm stuck in this gigantic fork in the road, to where there are so many directions, it shouldn't even be called a fork. I had a long talk with my DM scotty about what the hell i should do with my cheese life. I'm not even sure if i want to be a part of chuck e cheese anymore, but then i think to myself, ive spent over three and a half years there, there has to be a purpose in why i'm there. I've got so much heart, history, building from this one job that for some reason, i can never leave it. He gave me 5 options...

Options...
1) Stay at my store and eventually see if i could impress my new gm enough to ever build myself up.

2) Transfer to a different store and actually be a manager, Although if i choose this, i cant screw him over and it would have the be a longterm job. Not forever, but not 5 months either.

3) He would refer me to a corporate job

4) If the regional training director likes me and approves me, then i can go and open stores all over the u.s. and get paid 2 bucks more and overtime. But it would take lots of availability and hard work.

5) quit and find something elsewhere. Which my options as of right now are for those stores....best buy and a hotel job.

I just don't know. I'm having the hardest time figuring this out. I'm almost terrified to do another job switch cause I'm finally caught up on everything and last time i did that, bam something crappy happened and the other job ended up sucking and just it all fell on my face. And this time....if i leave the cheese this time there is no coming back. Thats really scary.

I can't make my decisions. I can't figure it out. I'm tired of feeling stuck, i want to be on my own again and soon....and i want to be ok on money. Not great, but at least ok where i dont feel like i'm broke or living paycheck to paycheck the whole time. I want to fine. I keep asking God to point me in the right direction and i can't see it. If God's just giving me symbols its not working, cause i want a huge flashing billboard sign that this is what i need to do. I need to start setting myself up for how I'm going to be in the future. If i keep slacking off, being lazy, spending money retardedlike, and not be goal oriented and successful with my job, then what exactly is there for me?

How do i get these answers????

Been a minute or so...

2006-08-25T11:37:19Z

Wow I've been doing so much I haven't gotten around to updating lately.

So lets see, i went to el paso with my dad for the weekend of his bday, so that was lovely! Also, i finally had EXTRA money! Thats right...finally i had leftover money and didn't have another debt to pay. This makes marie ooooober happy!

This week has been so much fun, my parents have been out of town and usually that smells party, but you know what. This whole summer aside from the begginning weeks and july 4th....i've been having the most sober fun EVER! So why would i want to make the summer worse by doing something embarassing while drunk that i wont remember...sooooo everyone just spent the night at my house and we did just random crap and we all had a blast. I can't believe the summer is almost over in a few days and everyone will be at school and its just so sad to see something so great be put on pause. I'm going to miss everyone so damn much, its ridiculous!

Anyways...I saw a bulletin posted from my old promo director at Free fm that Travis Russell passed away. Which just left me completely dumbfounded. I just couldn't believe, i still can't believe it. He wasn't that much older then me and he was doing so awesome at the radio, he was in school and he was one cool ass guy. I'm not saying we were best friends at work, we did a few events together cause he started working right when i quit, but when we worked together we joked and got along and he was really cool and fun. And the last thing i said to him was "hey we work together on saturday, be excited, be very excited." and then i called in. Its just like...that was the last time i saw him and i haven't even thought about him since, and now i see that he's died. And wow, i just can't even come to grasp what it is exactly that i feel. He had so much going for him, and yet dies...I have nothing going for me and I'm still here. I feel like...i need to do something with myself. Just, i cant freakin believe it. And then today...i fell asleep when i got home instead of getting online...and by doing this, i missed the other bulletin talking about the times of his funeral. I freakin missed his funeral. I just feel like shit. I can't stop thinking about him....

Well, theres pretty much nothing left to say after that.

Personal Time

2006-08-13T13:00:08Z

I have some personal issues I'm facing. This whole going back to school thing. I say I want to do real estate, i know i would love doing it. But then a part of me wants to do something even more. I don't know. I'm getting so frustrated not figuring out what i want to do. Nothing really pushes my button and makes me feel completely passionate. I need to feel passion! Where can i get this passion??? I really do want to go school tho. Don't get me wrong. I'm terrified about not being in the right mindset, like mathwise i'm afraid i forgot everything! But I really can't wait to go to classes, take tests, have homework. I'm excited. I want to do this.

You know when i was a kid, i did so much. Seriously. My kid self would want to kick my now self in the ass for wasting everything. When i was younger i was a damn smart kid. Advance classes starting in 2nd grade. I took extra credit home cause i -enjoyed- it. I was supposed to skip 1-3 grade, but my mom denied it every year. Which I'm happy that she did. I wanted to go to Rice or Brown University. My hobbies were soccer, computers, knitting, crochetting, writing, tshirt making, singing, crafts, art, painting, participating in contest, volunteering for animals, taekwondo, reading, and cooking. Damn i was a very busy child. At the end of the school years, our teachers would throw out teaching books and i would go through the hallways and take them from the grades above me so i could be prepared for the next year. In taekwondo, they had to teach me the forms for my belt in a seperate room because if i saw the belts above me, i'd memorize their forms and have them down before competitions. I used to write books all the time and let my sister read them. One year i wanted to be a magazine editor so i created three magazines on the computer. The next was a hotel manager, so i drew out grids for an imaginary hotel and printed of prices and ammenities. Oh and i very much wanted to be a teacher for a long time, i had the chalkboard, extra textbooks, and of course my imaginary class. In the second grade i had already finished the whole book Jurassic Park, which by the way the teachers said i couldn't do a book report on because it wasn't in my reading level. I was a fucking ambitious smart kid. I put my mind to everything and got it done. I did the unneccesary stuff to.

For what?

For me to sit here today...two yrs out of school. Living at home paycheck to paycheck. Having the hardest time figuring out where i even want to work cause i'm so sick of being stuck at a dead end job for over three years.

What a waste.

I sit here and think maybe it was my parents. They were supportive and pushy...my sisters had financial aid and were both going to college, we had rules, we got grounded. When they seperated in 8th grade i dropped out of band, skipped classes, and started failing. They got back together and i brought all my grades back up. Then they got divorced. My high school years consisted of me passing with high 70s or low 80s. My sport was bowling, cause i didnt have to do anything. I quit taekwondo even tho i was AMAZING at it. Really. I'll brag. I was. I did theatre, but dropped out after directing a play. I dropped out of thespian meetings cause i didn't feel like it. I got kicked out of my teaching asst job cause i couldn't get to class on time. I spent the majority of my saturday mornings in dhalls cause i couldn't stop skipping class. I was at least strongly involved in F.C.C.L.A. my senior year, that was nice. Then i graduate and my mom tells me she can't afford college for me and wont fill out financial aid.

But then i think...maybe it was all my boyfriends. I was most accomplishing with Daniel kinda. I had my goals set out, was gonna be a teacher, gonna go to Brookhaven or whatever, was highly involved in f.c.c.l.a. then when i got with coffey, i started making excuses to no go to my f.c.c.l.a. meetings. I stopped wanting to be a teacher. Then i didn't even want to go to college anymore. Whats with me? Why can't i get my ass in gear?!?

Then my other personal problem...my self image. I can't stop thinking negatively about myself. Anything from the color of my hair, to the brightness of my teeth, to the way my make up is on, to the size of my breasts, to the flab on my thighs, the roll on my stomachs, the tone of my skin, and the fat on my arms. I've never thought this low of myself. And when it comes to guys now, I have no game whatsoever anymore. My esteem is that low to where i automatically know i can't get them. What can i do? I've given up drinking sodas, which has been a pretty decent change in my body. I do at least 50 sit ups every day. But like i look at my reflection and still feel ugly and chunky. How can i wash this away?

I'm doing ok. I'm ok. I'll deal with this. Hell i've dealt with a lot more!

Its almost time...

2006-08-13T12:43:11Z

Wow its already August.

I can't freakin believe it. Just this summer my life has changed amazingly. It started off pretty rocky with my ridiculous tommy situation. I was being a stupid hoe, drinking, smoking, and not being myself at all. Then after pensacola it all changed.

This summer i struggled with some tough issues of facing my problems in my life on my own. I kept using others to repress my problems, or blaming my past instead of just letting go. Slowly, one by one...I'm conquering it. I'm excited for starting school this fall, and I'm excited about meeting new people. I no longer party, smoke, have sex, or drink sodas. I feel ok. I feel better then how i felt at the beginning of this summer.

But its all about to hit me hard soon. This lynch mob, it was a group we all put together for every thursdays for us to do something completely ridiculous and abnormal just to have fun. This group has brought so many smiles to my face. Emily, Drew, Neal, Coffey, Lauren, Collin, Adam, Bryttni, and Alisse are the main people I have to thank for my incredible summer. We didn't need drinking to have fun, or anything like that. We just had fun. But one by one, everyone will slowly be starting their life.

First we lose Drew. He is moving to Amarillo, to stay, and to hopefully find what he's been looking for his whole life. His purpose. Saying goodbye to drew is going to be really tough on me. I don't think anyone really knows how great this guy is, but lately we have just really gotten close and he's always willing to listen and he cares so much about making me smile. Of course i've known him for over three years and now is when we decide to become best friends. I'm already crying thinking of how hard its going to be not seeing him at work or being there to listen to me rant about something so completely pointless but still care. Fuck, this sucks.

Then Lauren...wow. You know, i tried so hard to be mad at her. I couldn't, you can't! She has this beautiful heart and the sweetest personality. She constantly says she looks up to me and I don't see how someone as wonderful as her could ever look up to anyone near like me. I wanted us to become best friends when i started getting to know her, and now shes leaving. She'll be back on holidays, but it doesnt matter...she's going to college, things change, people change...and its going to be sad not having her smile here to cheer me up.

And last Alisse. We got really close this summer. We get close everytime she leaves and then grow apart and then she comes back and we get close again. It seems to be in some kind of a pattern. But it sucks cause this time we got really close. She's so pure and perky. Who am i gonna waste my time talking about stupid crushes with when shes gone? Shes always there for me. Always willing to be. Theres not many people you have to say that about.

But then we all go back to school here. No late nights, no incredible thursdays, no more lynch mob til next summer. What may change by then, who knows...we have no control over it. I'm just really sad that this is all closing in soon. This thursday we are having i final lynch mob which will be basically a bond fire type way of saying bye. Then we have our dress up dinner at magic time machine on the 22nd, which is our official goodbye dinner. I already know i will be crying.

You really have no idea how amazing the ten of us our put together as the lynch mob. We all are so compatible, so amazing, and so freakin ridiculous. We are the perfect ten.

loooong day

2006-08-05T08:16:29Z

Today was full of errands and i actually got to them all and was pretty accomplishing day. I woke up at 9 am, to the fabulous wake up calls done by my three best friends. Went to orientation and got all my stuff done, so now i can officially register for classes! WOOT! Although once i saw the prices for classes i pretty much shit a brick cause i have no support from my mother and will be paying out of the pocket for this. *sigh* but i must do this, i will accomplish this!

So school, check. Haircut, check. Finally got my phone reconnected! Its been two weeks, wow. yea it sucks being terribly broke. Paid some other bills and then went to the tom petty concert! Wooooot!!!

Actually the concert was quite disappointing. I thought the guy was about to have a heart attack while singing and you could barely hear him sing buttttt he played every one of my favorite songs and that was the best. Me and coffey finally got to spend some time together cause now if we do hang out its for very brief moments cause hes got a girlfriend. Which actually...its not bad. I mean, i care a little...but i help him out with her and im totally cool with it.

I have tomorrow off which is rather nice cause im pretty pooped. Then its off to the gay club with collin and hopefully my other guy nate! Which should be lots of fun!

I'm having a good time lately. Im straightening things out, i have nothing holding me back really...and I'm no longer in my bad moods. Actually i havent cried or been mad for awhile now. Which is really really good! Go me! I can't...i mean my friends are so good to me. They are everything i could ever ask for. For that reason i cant be down about anything...cause im so lucky. seriously. I've let go of the people that have constantly brought me down, or the ones that i;ve just held on to cause....well they once made me happy. Thats been a problem of mine that I've been realizing. I've been holding onto friendships that just arent there just b/c we were once happy as friends or more. I let it go. These people in my life now...they actually care about me. A disconnected cell phone doesn't keep us from spending all our time together. Its just...it feels really good to have good friends.

I cant believe summer is almost over. Drew leaves on the 23 to live in amarillo. Lauren leaves the 26th to SFA and alisse leaves to nj for seaton hall. Whats even crappier is this is the closest me and alisse have ever gotten and shes leaving. Its really crummy. This summer has by far been the best summer ever! It started off rough but its been so fucking fun that i really cant complain.

One more thing that i realized.....i may constantly forgive people and let them back in my life, give them the benefit of the doubt and all that, but i haven't forgiven myself. The reason i've been tearing myself apart is b/c i cant let go of the mistakes i've made in the past. It tries to bring me down, like every time i think of how much of a whore i was, or see pregnant women, or families all close together...i have a rough time letting it slide. I need to forgive myself. I made some terrible mistakes, and im growing from it, moving on...but how do i forgive myself? Thats my biggest problem right there. Yesterday was the 3rd....therefore its been 5 months. Can you fucking believe that? It gets harder day by day...letting that go.
And I'm gonna get toThe bottom of thisGonna peel back my skinAnd look at myself shaking and shivering
*sigh*

But i'm really trying here. I wont let it bring me down. I'm going to be tough.

.....snow patrol....chasing cars.....love it
We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel
Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own
If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?
Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lay with me and just forget the world?

this is all pretty much.....God bless.

I may be broke, but I've got the best of friends

2006-08-01T09:02:32Z

You know whos absolutely wonderful?

Neal.
Emily.
Collin.
Coffey.
Alisse.
Drew.
Bryttni.
Adam.
Justin.
Katie.

They are my best friends. They are there when it gets tough. And they are the easiest people to talk to. Each of them are amazing, and will succeed so wonderfully in my life, and every one of them are a reason I smile.

So i have orientation on friday, and officially register for classes. This is amazing. I can't believe it. Life is actually going good. I really haven't had anything to complain about. If i actually go to school this will seriously end my year completely right. You know what, i fucking deserve this. This has been the hardest six months of my life to go through and I finally deserve to feel something other then depressed. And I'm really working on it. I haven't felt sad or stressed lately, I feel like I'm actually doing something right.

I gave up carbonated sodas starting today. My stomach has been getting really groggly after every one i drink so this is my way to help myself out. Me and neal are gonna start working out together so we can get back in shape. Andddd since i might be getting into school this just wonderful really.

Oh and i might be moving into neals house. My mom and i have been clashing heads again. Which makes me sad cause we haven't argued since we went to vegas last year but lately, mainly cause her and steve are having problems, we have been fighting a whole lot. And shes partly blaming me for why she wants a divorce, which i think is crap. So I might be moving into neals, cause if I'm trying to be happy, the last thing i need is her to be bringing me down. Hell, she made me unhappy for the majority of the time i've been depressed in my life, and i dont need that. Neals mom said i have a place to stay, which is absolutely nice of her.

Me and jeremy for once had a good talk the other day in the storage room. We talked a lot about faith and how i can clear my head. He said that I'm trying way too hard to talk to God and that instead of just pushing to feel the connection, i need to just let myself open up and feel it. He gave me a lot of great advice, which was nice...cause we don't get along at all.

Theres a reason for everything. I'm seeing it all over again. Yay for Marie! She might be getting there guys!!!

Short just like your temper

2006-07-29T07:28:45Z

I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup.You're always made up.And I'm sick of your tattoos,and the way you always criticize the Smiths... and Morrissey.And I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic.But when I say let's keep in touch,I really mean I wish that you'd grow up.This is the first song for your mixtape.It's short just like your temper,but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got to cool...I got a twenty-dollar bill that says no one's ever seen you without makeup.You're always made up.And I'm sick of your tattoos, and the way you don't appreciate Brand New or meAnd I know that you're a sucker for anything acoustic.But when I say let's keep in touch,I hope you know I mean I wish that you'd grow up.This is the first song for your mixtape.It's short just like your temper,but somewhat golden like the afternoons we used to spend before you got to cool...(yeah, but I wish you were my shadow)

hmm, i really like that song. I found my old 'brand new' and i played it...i fell in love with that song for some odd reason.

Wow my head hurts terribly. Every day i tell myself that I will be staying in tonight and not going out cause i have to be at work in the morning or i just tell myself i shouldnt do it cause im so exhausted...but then i find myself answering everyones phone call...and back in my car driving to meet someone somewhere. My life with my friends is at a perfect state right now. I cant get enough of them, and for once...they can't get enough of me. They are amazing and i cant say that enough. I try staying home and they want me around enough to beg me to come hang out. NEVER in my life before have i ever felt more...wanted/needed/loved. I'm serious. They make me smile every day.
Got a new car, its absolutely fantastic! I named it Vic. It drives amazing, has a sunroof, alarm, everything automatic...its the perfect car and for once i completely lucked into it. I cant complain....everything has been shit these past couple of weeks but this new car...its made me feel so wonderful! Like i cant get mad...I'm just so thankful that this went so right. Maybe, just maybe it might be looking up for me. I just have to tell myself to quit making the same mistakes. Quit letting life being so repetitive. The reason I've been so disappointed in myself is because i let my life get that way. I need to start making decisions and quit waiting for the bad to happen to me. As soon as i get my schedule in....I'm going to orientation and hopefully will be actually going to school. I dont want to get too excited about it, cause this happens every year, but im really going to try. My mom has no idea and i'd rather surprise her about it anyway. I would only take a couple classes cause i'd have to pay for it. I just really want to start my life. I want to be happy, be strong, be on my own...and in a few years say "hey it got real though but i fucking did it". I think realizing this, with help of someone i strongly dislike....that by stepping up and not making me the mistakes and to quit being so stupid, that i might actually get somewhere.
We will see how everything goes.

oh no mr koolaid...

2006-07-22T20:44:40Z

I'm glad it amused you. Whats sad is, youre still reading this. Whats even more pathetic is, youre still leaving comments, calling, friend requesting, and messaging...you just dont get it. No one really wants you around, and even when i post about how much dislike i really have about who you are, you think its some joke to get back at you...no, its so you can see the you i see. I dislike every single thing about you. You are an ugly person, inside and outside. You think you speak you truth and that you help, but your head is so far up your ass you can't see a damn thing. You wouldn't know the truth if it jumped out and slapped you on the face. Every message I've read of yours or ones you sent are the exact same things I've heard over and over in my head. You aren't happy, who on earth are you trying to fool? You try to laugh it off but it doesn't matter cause I know it hurts you. I never let us happen because you were never and will never be worth it. Coffey was right about you, you aren't even a real human. Maybe, just maybe from now on....you can quit holding on to something that only you feel. Because you are nothing to me. I can't point out how much I don't need you in my life. So go roll on some ecstacy, commit your felonies, preach to pathetic people that have less of a life then you, steal some car stereos, search for another girl with a low self esteem and then continue wasting away at what you think is a life.

The thought that I ever once felt a single thing for you makes me want to vomit.

bringing out the best in it

2006-07-20T10:12:57Z

So, turns out i wont be able to make it to el paso. My car is in need of a lot of repairing if i would like to actually make it there. Or i could sell it, but so far from what dealerships have told...its not looking like itll happen anytime soon.

After quitting Jack FM, i got an email about their updated web page and found all these fun pictures of me working...now I am kinda down about this cause i mainly quit since i couldn't afford it and plus if i would be leaving to el paso, i didn't want something to hold me back and now...damn. I know it was for the best because i wasn't making any money, maybe i will be able to return to the promo department one day but just ugh...im in a funk with that.

I'm ready for change and I think I've overly prepared myself now. I've cut my ends with everything that was making me feel so low and I'm ready to feel better about myself.

I think telling him how i really felt was the best move i've done. We've been so much closer now, just as friends, and hes been so wonderful and reliable. Its exactly how it was before we ever went out and its amazing. Actually these past two weeks just as friends he's been a perfect friend. I think its because fucking bryttni blabbed my feelings for him that he finally realized what i was worth as a friend. Yea, he even told neal (without me around) that he feels terrible for taking advantage of me as a friend. But our friendship is a bazillion times better. It sucks not being more, but I can defintely handle how great things are between us only as friends.

I'm starting to make plans...goals even. Yeah!!! Its crazy! I'm scared of making them but I need to push myself. I continously say how much I lack motivation and thats my fault. I want to be successful, i want to be happy, and i want to go somewhere in my life and since I'm young, the time to start is definitely now while i hold all this opportunity in the palm of my hand.

I need to figure out exactly where I'm going career wise. I can longer see myself expanding at the cheese. This tho, for some reason wont let me get rid of it. For some reason i keep holding on to my job there and i now know why. I'm terrified of change as much as i welcome it. I'm comfortable at the cheese, its my comfort zone, and I'm scared of a new work environment. But I must take this step...i really need to in order to grow in my life. Cause can i honestly see myself there in a few years, happy, and moved up in the chain? I just dont see the cheese as my place....i hope i can actually let go instead of talking myself out it as i normally do.

Friends. This new group i have, where i've been spending til 4 am with every night for the past few weeks are incredible. I feel as if im in a high when im with them. They actually call me, they ask me every night to hang out with them, and i've never felt more wanted as a friend ever in my life. Although i complain about my lack of sleep and how i need a night off, every moment that i hear from them "hey are we doin anything tonight?" i cant help but smile to myself. They are all my guardian angels.

So you see, ive taken a step forward...its a little one but its a step. LEts see where i go now???

crazyhottie @ 2006-07-18T02:05:00

2006-07-18T07:10:15Z

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

How she'd be soothed, how she'd be saved if he could see
She needs to be held in his arms to be free
But everything happens for reasons that she will never understand
'til she knows the heart of a woman will never be found in the arms of a man

[Chorus]

And if she runs away she fears she won't be followed
What could be the worse than leaving something behind
And as the depth of oceans slowly become shallow
It's loneliness she finds...
If only he was mine

She'd do anything to sparkle in his eye
She would suffer, she would fight, and compromise
She's been wishin' on the stars that shine so bright
For answers to the questions that will haunt her tonight

She must rinse him
She must rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She can't, she won't, she must rinse him
She must rinse this all away
She can't hold him this way
She must rinse this all away
She can't love him this way

wow...thats me right now. thanks alisse.

truth is out...

2006-07-17T02:22:29Z

So can someone please tell me what exactly it is that a guy looks for in a girl? Cause apparently someone that loves him with her whole heart, willing to do anything for him, cares for him completely, giving to him, sexually satisfying, and being youre best friend isn't enough. Then what the fuck is it about?!?

OK so i took one obstacle. I finally fucking told him. I got the exact results i expected, but i needed it out.

I feel so...incapable of being loved.

He told me "i love you marie, dont think i dont...its just in a different way from yours. I love you as a friend. You've tried pushing me away so many times but I'm still here and just because i now know you feel this way, i will still be here. I promise." That line will stay in my head forever. I am so pathetic. How could i even try to think there was a possibility. UGH!!!

Theres only two people I've ever loved...and i loved them more then imaginable, beyond comprehension, and the only thing i wanted was for them to want me and love me back. It hasnt happened. It wont happen.

How did i end up in the same cycle as last year? See tho, i knew this is what I was going to get as a result, i already knew it and prepared myself...but theres always that little hope there. It really hurts. Not as bad as last year but still hurts.

Where do i take my next step???

I know i will be having a fantastic time these next few weeks before i go and it wont be as hard to "get over him" but the second he leaves me in el paso...my mind will be in all sorts of mixed up.

Just God get me through this...please....

everyday...

2006-07-16T07:57:45Z

Every day you cross my mind
Every day i wish it was different.
Always hoping for that moment
That you will say it before i do.

I keep from saying my truth
To still hold on to a possibility
If the truth comes out against me
I know there is nothing.

I wish for you to love me
Any near as much as i do you
I hold you in my heart
Never wanting to let go.

No one could ever love you
Anywhere near i do
No one could treat you better
Better then i do you.

Its been a year
Yet I'm still here
Never giving up on you
If only
If only you could feel this too.

Wow i really feel like shit. Its so true. The only reason i wont tell him how i feel is b/c i will then know the truth. If that truth comes out, i will have to let go and move on and forget about the possibility of us ever being together. I just am not sure if i'm quite that ready to let go. He doesn't see it. How can he not see how great we are together? How does he not see that I will never give up on him. Thats what he wants...and he has it....but he doesn't want me. It just hurts so bad. I cry every damn day thinking about this. I'm lame. I hold on to this, and keep it from him because I can't let him go. We are amazing best friends. We have this deep connection and when we are together...you can tell we really feel strongly for each other, but it will always be me wanting him to touch me, hold me, kiss me, or even just love me.

He says he wants to be loved. He wants someone to care about him and take care of him. He wants someone to try to understand him and be there with him and for him. He wants someone to constantly be around and accept him and understand. I do this more then anyone ever will or could....but since its me. just lame ass marie....he wont have me. I fucking hate this.

A year...

A whole fucking year.....

And I'm exactly where i was.

I need to let go

crazyhottie @ 2006-07-11T15:01:00

2006-07-11T20:05:55Z

What You Really Think Of Your Friends

Coffey is your soulmate.

You truly love Alisse.

You consider Emily your true friend.

You know that Katie is always thinking of you.

You'll remember Neal for the rest of your life.

You secretly think Bryttni is creative, charming, and a bit too dramatic at times.

You secretly think that Lauren is colorful, impulsive, and a total risk taker.

You secretly think that Tommy is loyal and trustworthy to you. And that Tommy changes lovers faster than underwear.

You secretly think Ryan is shy and nonconfrontational. And that Ryan has a hidden internet romance.

What Do You Think of Your Friends?

so right.

its that time again

2006-07-11T08:20:03Z

Your Five Factor Personality Profile

Extroversion:

You have high extroversion.

You are outgoing and engaging, with both strangers and friends.

You truly enjoy being with people and bring energy into any situation.

Enthusiastic and fun, you're the first to say "let's go!"

Conscientiousness:

You have high conscientiousness.

Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.

Most things in your life are organized and planned well.

But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.

Agreeableness:

You have high agreeableness.

You are easy to get along with, and you value harmony highly.

Helpful and generous, you are willing to compromise with almost anyone.

You give people the benefit of the doubt and don't mind giving someone a second chance.

Neuroticism:

You have medium neuroticism.

You're generally cool and collected, but sometimes you do panic.

Little worries or problems can consume you, draining your energy.

Your life is pretty smooth, but there's a few emotional bumps you'd like to get rid of.

Openness to experience:

Your openness to new experiences is high.

In life, you tend to be an early adopter of all new things and ideas.

You'll try almost anything interesting, and you're constantly pushing your own limits.

A great connoisseir of art and beauty, you can find the positive side of almost anything.

The Five Factor Personality Test

People Envy Your Compassion

You have a kind heart and an unusual empathy for all living creatures. You tend to absorb others' happiness and pain.
People envy your compassion, and more importantly, the connections it helps you build. And compassionate as you are, you feel for them.

What Do People Envy About You?

Your Brain's Pattern

Your mind is a firestorm - full of intensity and drama.

Your thoughts may seem scattered to you most of the time...

But they often seem strong and passionate to those around you.

You are a natural influencer. The thoughts you share are very powerful and persuading.

What Pattern Is Your Brain?

You Are 45% Normal

While some of your behavior is quite normal...
Other things you do are downright strange
You've got a little of your freak going on
But you mostly keep your weirdness to yourself

How Normal Are You?

You Are 40% Happy

You're not miserable, but you could stand to be a lot happier.
Focus on what's right in the world, and you'll be happier than you ever thought possible.

How Happy Are You?

what...?

2006-07-06T08:51:04Z

Ok so you know the truth. You know they don't love you. They arent coming back. So when do you let go? Or even better, how do you let go?

Its not that i can't live without you. Its just that I don't even want to try."

Bryttni is having the exact same scenario happen to her tonight....except hers is deeper and harder. I just don't understand how we can be good people, and love them more then anything, give them what we can....and they can just leave you like its not a problem.

Theres nothing that i wouldn't do, baby if i only knew...
The words to say
The road to take
To find the way back to your heart.
What can i do
To get to you

I'm pathetic ya know that? He knows it too. I've been trying to convince myself otherwise and we were ok. We were doing just fine, but somewhere...something happened. And we both felt it, the only thing is i didnt get scared and run. Why are you scared? Why do you have to push me away?

I don't know how it got so crazy, but i'll do anything to set things right.

I now know that the people we love the most in ours lives is the ones that will never return it or feel the same way. I think thats the only reason we love them so passionately. Just for once, i'd like to leave him. I'm always getting left behind. When will i ever get to leave him? But i wouldnt...cause like in the movie closer, if you love them, you dont leave.

Let me prove my love is real, and make you feel the way i feel

I can't go through this again. My body, my heart, my head its not made to continue going through this downward spiral. Why can't i ever pull myself out of them and just go another direction. I keep ending up this fucking road!!!! I'm exactly where i was at last year. Fucking exactly. This is stupid. How many of you can say that you were once on your way...and you fucking ended up to the exact spot you were last year. I haven't accomplished anything. I'm a fucking failure.

Give me one more chance to give my love to you, Cause no one on this earth loves you like i do...

crazyhottie @ 2006-07-05T22:51:00

2006-07-06T03:55:07Z

Love is giving someone the ability to destroy you, but trusting them enough not to

but they always do.

I'm done here

2006-07-06T02:36:35Z

I woke up today probaly feeling the worst I've ever felt in my whole life. And no one will ever know but the people that read this.

I have absolutely no recollection of what happened to me last night. Considering the fact that I was drinking at a party, i remember that much, i rememeber i was having a terrible day cause i realized something, i can only assume my night didn't go well.

Why may you ask? I woke up with bruises all over my body, chunks of hair falling out, my hair in bigger clumps then imaginable, breathe tasting awful of alcohol, concerned text messages, voicemails, and messages on myspace, and this feeling of just never wanting to get out of bed. Like honestly...i just didnt want to move. I sat there wondering why i was even awake still. I don't even want to know what happened last night. It will probaly be another embarassing moment that I am so glad i cant remember. I didnt drunk dial anyone, so thats good. But there was a pretty big group of people, so it could be a numerous things i did.

I have reached my absolutely lowest. I've been sad for eight years, and its finally caught up on me. I cant take it anymore. I try to hide it, i try to let that temperary happiness fix it, but it wont. Its done. I'm officially depressed. And i have no idea what to do with it. Its always been "the sun will rise tomorrow" or "everything happens for a reason" or "when life hands you lemons make lemonade" but you know what...i dont want the sun to rise tomorrow. I'm ok with that. I'm sick of always waiting to see whats the reason for this constant bad luck always happening to me. And maybe i dont want any fucking lemonade. That is how you know you've reached your lowest.

I know how my two real friends are. They are so real. No matter how much i push them away, no matter how many mistakes i've made...they are always there. What have i done to have been so lucky to earn these two?

I realized how I'm in love with someone who will never really know. Thats why I'm so against it and i mock love, its because I love this person beyond comprehension. So deeply, so stupidly, so passionately....and they will NEVER return it. Last night when i ran in and started taking shots was when i knew i needed to feel something other then the truth. This person will never love me back and i will never be over him. How sad is that? I tried convincing myself otherwise for a couple years now.

Tommy youre right. I have a heart too big for my own good.

I'm leaving. I just can't do this anymore. Thats my decision.

Its time for a clean slate...

2006-07-03T22:08:35Z

Ok so this past week has been difficult and i got pretty low again. I'm really sick of getting so hopeless at times. And I know i need to do something to get my ass in gear.

I'm coming to make one of the biggest decisions that can change me right now. I've been thinking about this like crazy for the past couple of days. I did a lot of thinking on July 1st and i decided to go back to no sex. Which is gonna be so difficult consider I have a great friends with benefits thing goin on with an ex and i can get it whenever i want, i just realize that I'm not benefiting from it whatsoever. Its just sex. Yes, sex is great...but i need to stop letting it be me. Not only that but I feel like i just try so hard to keep my friends together. I'm tired. I'm so tired of just everything. I'm tired of the same patterns and I'm tired of letting myself down.

So I've thought about this cause my financial problems just seem to increase more and more...that i just may leave. They got pretty bad. I owe monica 100, my mom like over 400 altogether, i cant even count how many times my friends have paid for me, and my dad is now at 600 bucks i owe him, plus i still have a payday loan out that i owe. Its ridiculous. THats all i have to say. I can't get ahead and its just getting worse and worse. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore. I'm just so exhausted with money. I also realized that I will more then likely have to quit my radio job. Its such low pay, and since the hours are all over the place and never guarateed, its hard to pick up the remainder money from the cheese and get them to work with me. *sigh* I am just so fucked.

I'm about 95% positive that I will be going to el paso for a few months. I said this last year when me and coffey broke up, but I'm trying my hardest to think my way around this but this comes out on top. By going to el paso and staying with my dad, working at the chuck e cheese over there...i can get my hours, save my money, stop spending uselessly, and straighten things out. I will not make my decision til me and my sister go to el paso. We plan on going for his bday, and I wont tell anyone til the day before i leave. This way if i decide to go, my friends can't convince me otherwise, which is what happened last summer. I need to do something for me, which will be so hard to be away from everyone, but i cant seem to pick myself back up by staying here. I just need time off. I still have a month to make my decision, so this could change by then...but who knows.

I just know i want to get through this. I want to be stronger. I want to be smarter. And I want to just be stable.

how life is...

2006-06-28T06:27:30Z

To me this is how i feel life really is...

Life is better random

Its best when all your friends get along so you can have one big group of fun

Youre healthy when youre spontaneous

Life is best when you have no enemies

Its all about forgiving the ones who have hurt, because they have taught you the most

Its pretty much summed up in a musical

It has so many quotes about appreciation, but no one ever takes them to heart and appreciates life at the worsts.

In life you are nothing if you don't trust God cause he has a plan for you throughout all this. You don't trust what you're going through, then i really honestly pity you.

Everything happens for a reason

Its all about choices, you either choose to be happy, or choose to be sad

Problems are your fault, no one else's no matter how many excuses you try to make

Life is what you make it

If you can't ever experience happiness, its because you wont let yourself.

I love everyone in my life. I may try and shut people out or make stupid decisions, but i always end up back with them. Everyone is in my life for a reason. I'm so happy with the people that are in my life.

I choose them.

Thank you God for opening my eyes a bit more....please be with me to open them wider.

last night

2006-06-25T03:22:34Z

i finally could breathe

and

i went to sleep with a smile.

I search my soul for new direction
But every path leads back to you
And when we look into the mirror
You will not see the me you knew
I need you like a drug to fill my hole
Nobody knows the me inside you've known
I saw my soul inside your eyes
I've seen our love when it was torn to peices.
....your love is killing me

*sigh*

then i ask myself...where do i go from here?

crazyhottie @ 2006-06-15T01:46:00

2006-06-15T06:49:41Z

"Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough of trouble of its own."
Matthew 6:34

After all today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

I really am trying to let this advice sink in....

Thank you jonna. I really am considering counseling.

you want to know what the truth is?

2006-06-13T05:30:56Z

Here it is. What I'm about to say is real. Its truth. And i don't even know what to do with it.

I'm sad. I'm heartbroken. I'm lonely. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. And I'm just fucking sad.

I lay in my bed, trying to sleep but my mind can't escape everything thats bringing me down. I'm a fake. I pretend to be happy, i put out all these smiles but i'm lying to everyone. I'm really heartbroken. Not just heartbroken by a lover kinda way. Heartbroken in life. I try to sleep and i end up crying. I thought i couldn't feel anymore, i thought i was turning cold and now i can't stop the tears at night. Its only because all day i push them back and at the night im so exhausted that they finally get to come out.

I despise everything.

I hate you. I really fucking hate you so much. You were my best friend, a friend full of empty promises and lies. I pushed you away for so many reasons, and even when pushing you away you still managed to do so much damage to me. Every night we would be on the phone, and it didn't matter how shitty my day was or if it was great, but i looked forward to ending every night in a phone conversation with you because you were my guardian. You were my counselor. And now, you left me with no one to replace it. I was so real with you. I showed you every part of me that i don't even dare let anyone see. You saw every side, my evil, my sad, my happy, my pathetic...everything. I let you in so fucking deep cause i thought you were such a real friend to me. You stabbed at every wound possible. You lied to me, you continue lying to me, you disappointed me. And thats what sucks the most cause i told you right at the beginning that i was weary of even letting you be my friend because every new friend i've made has just left me torn apart, and thats what you have done. I've been sad forever, and you helped me deal with it, you were there to guide me through it...and then just bam...now i have to deal with this on my own. You knew how stupid i was. You knew how weak i was. You totally took advantage of it. You terrify me. You really fucking do. You know how hard it is to not call you, to not send you a message, and to just be ok with all of this? You were there for absolutely everything, and you've done this....and i can't talk to you because i shouldn't. This really fucking sucks.

I don't know what to do with myself anymore.

I just want to heal. I just want to be happy. Why must i always hurt. Can i just go one damn month without anything happening to me? Please? And money, don't even get me started on that. I'm fucked financially for an eternity. I make poor ass decisions with money, i accept this and i will never get ahead. I've accepted the fact that i will probaly be living with my parents for another two years. How fucking lame is that?

Where am i? Who am i?

I've totally lost myself. I also realized i blame a lot of my problems on my parents divorce. Then on my coffey break up. When really its all my fault. I'm just fucked up in the head. Oh and I'm a whore. I've also come to terms with that too. I now know this is why every guy i've loved has left me. This is why some best friends, can't stick with me. This is why i'm so sad. And since i know this i sit there and say "I don't want to be in a relationship" or something along that because i know...they will realize who i am and leave me anyway...so why waste time? Why can't i change? Why do i always end up on the same track all over again. I want to accelerate onto a different road but i can't. Sometimes always backtracks me. I hate feeling so hopeless. I hate crying. I hate not being happy.

I think about bean all the time. Only two of you know who bean is. I think of how disappointed bean must be in me. Bean is a constant reminder of my poor choices and i cant seem to escape them. I want a day off from life. Where is the request off book?

I even thought about dropping everything and going to el paso with my dad. The only thing stopping me is my jack fm job. Its going really strongly, i think i might see this going somewhere. Thats the only thing keeping me from going. But the thought of having a whole different life sounds amazing.

God give me blessings. Give me chances to make everything up to you. Bring me happiness. Bring my friends closer to me. Bring me luck. Help keep me away from more continuous disappointments. Help me deal with this God please....I'm so tired of picking myself up off the ground.

Thats what keeps me going. I know one day it will be ok. God i hope that day comes soon.

....one day.....